My Kids' Names

It was easy to pick a name for my daughter from a list of candidates, even after excluding biblical ones like Sarah. I, infidel extraordinaire, and of astronomical disposition, also entertained exotic names such as Adara, Alhena, Ascella, Atria, Avior, Capella, Gemma, Mira, Shaula, Talitha, Tarazed.

We finally settled on Shaula (like Paula, pronounced Shawla) and this has caused no major hardship. Sure beats a so-yesteryear name like Betty (sorry, huns) or Mary, or a nom du jour like Britney/Britany/Brittany.

Matthew was another story. I mean how biblical can one get? But our list was very short. Betty also liked Marcus/Markus and Eric, but in the end Matthew/Matt prevailed, I don't recall exactly why. I jokingly suggested Rory or Larry, surefire linguistic embarrassments for Betty and my Chinese-speaking parents. I solicited a bit of input from the guys at the office before making our final decision. I had to make sure that our son wouldn't get ridiculed. I asked Frank about his name. Pretty safe bet, right? No, he tells me, they called me Frankenstein. Next up, Leonard. How can one bastardize that name? Leonard. Say it slowly, he says. Leo-nard. Len-nerd. Len-NERD. Man, kids can be so cruel.

No problems with the boy name so far, except with the birthday cake decorators at Safeway who keep spelling the name with one "t", despite explicit "tt" instructions. In fact, I got into an argument with the lady at the service counter who insisted that "Mathew" was the normal spelling. Cut to: a similar talk with two relatives, so-called Bible reading evangelicals, who both claimed that the Gospel was according to "Mathew." Cut to: Safeway, I finally talked to the store manager who was standing beside the service counter lady, and no longer preoccupied with things that, well, occupy managers. The name tag pinned to his white shirt pocket read "Matt." How many "t"s are there in your full name?, I ask in front of service lady. Two, he replies. Needless to say, I got the cake at a discount.